Dear Guest Blogger: What’s the Deal With Zombies?

Dear Guest Blogger:
What’s the deal with zombies? 
Specifically, why does everyone love them?
More specifically, why don’t I love them?
I suspect my lack of zombie love is getting in the way of some of my relationships, creating a gap between me and some of my favorite people. 

Maybe it’s a generational thing. I am all about not acting my age, so I’ve decided to make a change.

I, Hippie Cahier, am going to set aside my peace, love, and dandelion-necklace ways and cross something off my Stuff I Want To Do List, because I am also all about multi-tasking:  I’m going to watch a zombie movie. 

Since I’m new to this, I want to do it right.  Can you give me some tips for watching a zombie movie? How should I prepare? Oh, and if you have any suggestions for best zombie movies for beginners, I’d love to hear them!

Desperately Seeking Zombie Fever,
The Hipster

Advice from a Zombie Afficionado

Dear Hipster,

What’s the deal with zombies? What’s the deal with zombies? Oh. My. Gosh. (::face palm::)

When you told me you were adding “Watch a zombie movie” to your bucket list, I was both shocked and overjoyed. Shocked because you’ve never seen a zombie movie, and overjoyed to accompany you on this zombie journey…especially since we first met on a zombie adventure.

So if you’re as inexperienced as the Hipster when it comes to zombies, read on. This post may save your life.

Here’s what you need to know about zombies:

1. Zombies are not your friends.

2. You can’t save a zombie. They’re already dead.

3. Some zombies run; some zombies walk; some zombies crawl, and some zombies dance the Thriller.

You never know what you’re up against, but you can be sure of one thing…

4. All zombies want to eat YOUR brains.

One day the zombie apocalypse will come, and you need to be prepared. I recommend following the Zombieland Rules. (Hipster, take notes. I’ll quiz you later.)

Take special notice of #8: Get a Kick-Ass Partner. For the Hipster’s purposes, that would be me. That’s why this kick-ass partner sent the Hipster an emergency brain to distract zombies from eating her brain.

Just toss the brain at the zombie and then run in the opposite direction.

In addition to being prepared, you need training. Specifically, I need to turn the Hipster into a zombie-killing machine. So I sent her this tear-apart zombie for practice.

The rest of you need to get your own kick-ass partner, emergency brains, and practice zombie. I’m only one person, and there’s only so much of me to go around.

So now the Hipster’s ready for her first zombie movie. Except for one little thing: Her kick-ass partner is missing. I’m coming, Hipster! Hold on just a little longer!

PS: When I get there, you better not be wearing any dandelion necklaces or peace signs. (::head shaking::)

Your Kick-Ass Partner,

Thoughts Appear

Easy-to-follow instructions for using your emergency brain.

Dear Guest Blogger: Vegetable Harassment in the Workplace

Dear Guest Blogger,

A woman in my office owns a farm and occasionally brings in produce and eggs to sell at bargain prices.  We’ll call her Farmer Jane.
I live alone and I’m not home much. My fresh produce needs are few, so I hadn’t checked it out until recently.
One day Farmer Jane announced that she would be bringing sunflowers, and Dear Guest Blogger, I just love sunflowers, so I moseyed over to buy a bunch.I found myself in a wonderland of produce fresh from the farm, and I confess that I found it tempting.
Maybe just one or two pieces of squash, a bag of tiny tomatoes. 
That’s when it happened.
Farmer Jane suggested I try some corn, and while I live for summertime corn on the cob, I knew I wouldn’t be able to cook it soon, so I declined.  She insisted, grabbed a stalk from the pile, ripped it open, broke off a piece, and thrust it at me saying, “Here – taste this. You don’t even need to cook it!”
Since Farmer Jane is my superior and holds a position of significant rank over me, I felt compelled to take a bite.There I was in a fancy office cum farmer’s market, chowing down on sweet, juicy corn, right from the cob. Oh, the shame.
In the weeks since that happened, I’ve been getting regular emails, offering me tomatoes, corn, squash, whatever I want. It’s just a short trip down the hall. Tomorrow

Zucchini bread, zucchini muffins, zucchini fritters, zucchini earrings. . .what else?

I’m due to pick up a bushel of zucchini.  I have no idea what I’m going to do with a bushel of zucchini.
Do  you think I might be the victim of vegetable harassment in the workplace?

Just sign me,
In A Fine Pickle

A Blurt of Wisdom . . . .

Dear Pickle,

I’ve no doubt that you have grounds for a successful legal action against the supervisor for vegetable harassment.

The passing of Labor Day marks the start of the school year and the onslaught of fund-raising sales for all the things the children of our co-workers get themselves involved in. Some take the sale of these items, especially by supervisors, as similar to vegetable harassment. This is not the case.

When the money goes to children’s activities, the courts have held that there is no such thing as too many requests for someone to purchase items such as wrapping paper to support the Parent Teacher Association. The same holds true for frozen cookie dough for the chorus, Girl Scout Cookies and Boy Scout Popcorn. In fact, in some parts of the country, it is illegal to refuse to buy citrus fruit from a member of a high school band.

The legal precedent is well established – without a direct mention of failure to purchase having a negative impact on career advancement, no amount of this child oriented sort of marketing in the workplace can constitute harassment.

Your situation is quite different. Farmer Jane is in a superior position and is marketing her produce in the office, using company email, for her personal gain. This is unacceptable. She compounds her guilt (and the liability of the company for her behavior) by taking advantage of your need for the simple joy of sunflowers to force corn and then a bushel of zucchini on you. This is shameful. I hurt on your behalf.

You should sue everyone, and I mean everyone, from the seed company to the company that makes the overalls she wears in her strange farmer fantasy life. In fact, you should sue the company that makes those Crocs shoes. Why? Because we both know she wears them in the field because they are “soooo comfortable and fun.”

‘Nuff said.

No, they aren’t fun. They are dopey looking. There is nothing fun about them, nor is there anything fun about a bushel of zucchini. Please reach out immediately to your HR representative and insist this harassment end.

Oh, and no one is supposed to eat raw corn unless their name is Seabiscuit, Scout or something else equine. It just isn’t done, ma’am.